The Dreaded D word... Depression

Yes there is more than one dreaded D word but this one to me is the big one. Its something I have struggled with my whole life. Something that many I know struggle with day in and day out.

I have a lot to be happy for but in the same breath so much to be sad about. I have Aaliyah and Melody but I don't have Natalia. Aaliyah is doing so much more than expected but not what your normal 1 1/2 year old should be doing. I notice differences in the girls already and that will just grow. Yes every child is different but in our case it's BIG things.

My husband Robert also started a new job that keeps him out of the apartment all day, Monday through Friday. So I went from caring for Aaliyah 75% of the time to about 95% of the time. All appts, therapy and what not fell on me. That was on top of my appts that just seemed to build and build because of my own health issues. I was dependent on friends and family for rides to the doctors. Worst of all my best friend was/is gone a lot. As crazy as it seems to some, I really loved working together because it meant having so much time together.

One of the worse things that happened during this time was one of my aunts dying. She was young and really had so much more to live for. I also lost one of my grandfathers, as much as it sucks to know he is gone. He was older and his health had been declining for years.

Than as the time came to have Melody, I felt an overwhelming sadness because I should have two excited little girls getting ready to meet their baby sister. I would be delivering in the same hospital that I delivered Aaliyah and Natalia. This time my experience should be a lot different but what if it wasn't. I was so scared it would be another NICU stay. While I knew that everything was looking good it still worried me.

What I struggle with the most is the loss of my sweet Natalia. I feel like if she was here things would be so different. I don't feel I know. Would it be better or worse? Could both girls have problems? Yes but they would both be here and that would be what matters. 

So here we are, Melody will be a month old this coming weekend and I am just getting worse. Things have happened that I won't discuss on here why because it has nothing to do with the girls. Mind you I am discussing how I am doing because that DOES effect the girls. I am going to talk to the doctor, I do feel I need something and soon. I am not afraid to say I need help. Why should I? It is something we should all be okay with. We are human, and that means no matter how much we wish it we are NOT perfect.