Four Long Years

My oldest daughter is dead, you are dead. What can I say it's been four long years. Feels like yesterday I heard those words. It's funny I can't remember the exact ones but does it really matter. Just the same you're gone. 

I didn't get to hear you cry. I didn't get to hear you laugh. I didn't get to see you smile. I didn't get to hear you talk. In my heart of hearts I believe I will someday but right now my heart breaks a little more each day because not one goes by that I don't think about you, that I don't wonder what would you be like.

I wonder if you'd be quiet like your dad or would you be loud like me? Would you be adventures or would you be cautious? Would you love to read or would you rather be on the move? Would you love to dance? Would you love to sing? Would you be a mamas girl or a daddy's girl? What would you and Aaliyah be like together? How would you get along with Melody? What would it be like for her to have two big sisters? 

I could go on because there's always going to be questions. Than there are  the things you didn't get to hear or feel. You never got to hear me say I love you. You never got to feel my arms around you. You never got to feel me give you a kiss. You didn't get to hold hands with your sister. You didn't get to dance with them.  Than some of the worst things we didn't get it. I didn't get to hear you say I love you. I didn't get to feel your arms around me. I didn't get to see you with your sisters. 

I don't give myself the time to really express what I feel when it comes to you on a regular basis. I have to be strong for your sisters. It doesn't mean I don't miss you,  I just have to move forward. You are always my daughter. You are always in my heart. I'll never forget you. I'll never act like you don't matter because you do. This week will always be about you. We will always come with something to remember you. Your life may have been brief, you may have never taken a breath outside of me but your tiny hand touched so many.