Past and Present

Past: R and I had a struggle we weren’t sharing with the world. We couldn’t get pregnant. We had been trying awhile and had come to the conclusion it wasn’t meant to be. We were okay with that. For me I said I was leaving it in God’s hands. For our own reasons we weren’t open to medical help. Little did we know that this day in 2011 the thing we wanted the most was finally going to happen. A tiny seed was going to stick and split into two beautiful girls. 

Present: I have two beautiful girls in my arms and one in my heart. Things didn’t turn out the way I expected I’d like to say I’m okay with that. The thing is I’m not and I’ll never be okay. Like I’ve said before it doesn’t mean I’m not happy or that I don’t love my life. It just means that part me always feels like something, someone is missing. Like my life could be 6x better. Six years of different memories. Six different Christmas days. In a few months  to be six years of a different birth story. 

I am happy. I have A even though she has her struggles she is here and she thrives in her own way. She is understands more than you think. She does things at times that while annoying you can’t help but laugh because she knows she’s giving you a hard time.  I have M and she is a shining light in dark moments. She is loving, generous, gentle and thoughtful. Yes she struggles with her speech but it’s getting better. I have a pretty good marriage. I have a different life than I expected but it’s a good one. 

So I look at my past and I’m grateful because it started us on a path to meeting our three  beautiful daughters. I look at my present and I’m doing okay.