In Gods Hands Part 2

June 4th, 2012 was one of the hardest days of my life. I knew when I walked into that office, when I walked into that room, I just knew my girl was gone, I would never hear her cry, never wipe her tears, never see her first smile, never listen to her laughter, so many things I would never do. I became mom to one of the most precious things in life, my own sweet baby girl angel. My other daughter would have her own special guardian angel. Natalia has now been gone longer than she was here but made the biggest impact on my life possible.

That day I also found out that Aaliyah was showing some problems. Her head was a little small, she had more fluid in her brain than she should. Her dopplers were elevated. I was given choices that just were not for me. I couldn't put her at risk, the only option I saw was give her the best chance possible. No matter how she came. They said in a weeks time if she was still fighting to survive they would give me steroid shots for her lungs. I still had to be prepared they would be seeing me twice a week and at a moments notice they may rush me to a csection, if I made it to 36wks she would be born than. Once again it was in Gods hands.

I had worked up until this point but when all this happened I was put on FMLA. I was going to do whatever it took to keep my daughter safe. I was not going to take any risk. The emotional roller coaster I was on was/is a never ending ride. I had moments when I felt/feel like I can't take any more but I continue to move forward. The more I talk to people that pain will never go away. It will always be there just not as intense. I also in that time formed a bond with other mothers so strong that we all became a family. (More on them in future blog.)

After a few weeks her dopplers were normal, but her head was still small with excess fluid. Over all she was small but that could be genetics. Each day we managed to keep her in was better for her. So when it got to be time for my csection a doctor said they wanted to do an amnio to see how her lungs were. I started to panic, if they were not ready I would have to wait another week. A week was all it took for her sisters heart to stop. When I went in for the amnio my favorite doctor said that he was skipping it because it woudn't change anything. I had my last ultrasound and NST just days before I was going in for my csection.

Part 3 soon to follow...