My Two Hours Holding My Angel and What Came Next

If you read my blog In Gods Hands Part 3 you can get a basic idea of what went on. Now I will tell you what I was feeling. This will be my first time writing this down. Shoot I think this is the first time I will put a lot of what I felt out there, I will also post what I went through from the day they told me she had passed.

In my blog post In Gods Hands Part 2 I talk about that first moment and my thoughts and emotions. What I don't talk about is the months leading to my csection. The first week I refused to think about it to much, I was concentrating on making it to the following Monday so I could get the steroid shots that would give Aaliyah a stronger chance at survival if she had to come early. Once I had both shots, things started to really hit me.

Despite in my heart and my head knowing Natalia would not survive I still hoped. What mother doesn't pray with every fiber of their being that the child they dreamed of, prayed for will make it. If I could have one wish it would be that both my girls survived, even if it meant both girls would have special needs. Don't get me wrong I am happy with my life but she would make it ten times better and no one can tell me differently. 

My hope was broken, part of me felt empty. Her tiny body was still in me and would be for 94 days. Every day I woke knowing while she was in me, her spirit was gone. Little signs kept appearing to let us know she wasn't completely gone. Dragonflies that I had always considered messengers from the "other" side, that I had rarely seen were showing up all the time. Always red ones, including on the drive to the hospital for my csection. My angel was watching over her sister.

At the hospital they said if I wanted they would handle Natalias remains at no cost but that wasn't an option for me. I had to have my baby with me there was no other option. So I signed the papers saying we wanted to handle it. I knew I wanted her cremated, but I couldn't concentrate on that. Not with everything else that was going on. So my mom took care of it. The funeral director was amazing and did everything possible to bring the cost down even than it was almost $700 every penny worth it. I still have yet to get a plaque for it but will be soon.