What Dreams Can Do

I had a dream last night and man it was painful. In it some people were stealing babies and they took the girls. I was going crazy searching and I would get close but not find them. I felt like I let them down, I felt such intense pain. I finally awoke in a panic and started to look for the girls. Than it hit me only Aaliyah was here. Natalia is not here, I did lose her. 

At this point it is almost 24hrs since I had and the pain is still there. I feel a deep sense of loss, of failure, of anger, of helplessness. I could go on but it's hard to explain the full range of emotions I am feeling.

Told a few and most were just sorry supportive but of course did not understand. Some truly felt my grief, and I could tell they knew what I was going through. Now some kind of sort of brushed it off. They were sorry but barely said that before they continued on something else. I left it at that because I knew they just didn't know what to say. Won't lie it did sting a little, but I understand. 

The dream really shook me but I think with all the planning for Aaliyahs birthday party it is just bringing up a lot of emotions. Over all I am doing good, better since I took a step back from somethings. Many can not understand what I am going through. You can experience the loss at many stages but for the most part you "deal" with it right away. I on the other found out June 4th and didn't truly get to say goodbye until Sept 7th,that is a long time of "pretending" everything is okay. Now things are calm and I am not pretending. 

Random Early Morning Thoughts

Even though I have a headache and life is crazy I can say I am happy. I will always struggle with Natalias loss. How can I not? She is my daughter, my first. My Baby A, my sweet Froggy A, my angel monkey. I bet some wonder why I say she is my first, why because I saw her first, she was Baby A, and she was the first one they took out when I had my csection.

I struggle as Aaliyah's birthday draws near because it should be a celebration of two birthdays. It will be a bittersweet day. While some may not understand EVERYTHING will always be bittersweet but it doesn't mean I am not happy. Sometimes you need to step away to truly heal and find the peace you need. Sometimes seeing something day in day out just makes it worse. If someone doesn't understand they never will and honestly I hope they don't ever have to understand what I went through.

Just because I struggle doesn't mean that I don't look forward to it because I do! See for us it isn't just celebrating the day Aaliyah was born. It is celebrating she is alive. Celebrating that despite the tragic loss of Natalia we have Aaliyah. We could have lost them both. Things like this can destroy couples, families and despite it we are stronger. We love each other and have I think found each other in a different way, strengths we didn't know we had. We have faced challenges and adversity but nothing compares to losing our daughter.

Well that was all and forgot to post it so now this is Random Early Morning Thoughts in the afternoon!