I wrote this on a post of mine.
"The best memory and the hardest was holding Natalia. Best because I was lucky enough to hold her and worst because it wasn't long enough."
It got me thinking.
Next Monday we attend open house for Aaliyah. That Friday is her first day of Pre K. The following Monday she turns three, we can love of her and make it special.
Next Monday we don't attend Natalia's open house. That Friday she won't attend her first day of Pre K. That following Monday she doesn't turn three, we don't get to tell her we love her and make it special. Yes, she knows we love her. Yes, we will do something for her but it's now how it should be.
Next Monday I will have joy in my heart and soul because it's the start of a new phase for Aaliyah. That Friday I will be the beaming mother because Aaliyah will be going to school for the first time. The following Monday I will rejoice because despite it all Aaliyah is here and she's turning three. I will be happy that what we were told would be Aaliyah's future is better than they thought far from perfect but still better.
Next Monday I will be sad because Natalia doesn't get that chance. Next Friday I will be sad that I don't get to see Natalia head to school with her sister. The following Monday I will be sad because Natalia isn't here and she's not turning three. I will be sad because I don't see her future.
Please don't think I'm depressed, I'm not this is a sadness that never ends but doesn't always consume. It's a daily reminder that she won't have these moments. It's an eternal grief that will always be with
me. At least till I see her again.
What people sometimes forget is there is a difference in grief/sadness and depression. Trust me I know both. They are very different.
