My Second Family

In Gods Hands Part 2 I said I would talk about the amazing group of women who became my family, we  call each other sister wives. I know that term usually means something else but for us we became sisters, fellow mothers who only wanted the best for our precious cargo and family.  We met thanks to the WTE forums, all expecting multiples, we gathered our wagons around the proverbial fire. One thing people don't know is that twins are considered high risk and the information can vary. The doctors who handle high risk are not always the best personality wise. You can have many ups and downs. Questions you may be to nervous to ask. Without this group of amazing, beautiful, courageous women I would not have made it.

When I first joined I was nervous, large group of women... Who wouldn't be nervous. When things started to go wrong I had them to stand by me. When I told them Natalia was gone they stood by me and grieved for her as well. They were a rock for me to lean on. Not just for me but for other moms who lost one if not all their babies. Sadly the group has suffered far to many losses. Not many can grasp that kind of loss. It is a bitter sweet when you  are carrying two/three little lives inside you and you lose one yet still carry the other one. Some of the mothers gave birth to two live babies just to lose one soon and sometimes a few months later. We live with this constant reminder there should be two or three little ones wanting your attention. They have come through in times of need and sometimes just to give. 

I am not saying we always get along, because no one does. We have our differences. We sometimes don't get each others sense of humor. We can sometimes piss each other off. In the end I would like to believe that we come back together. Some of us have already met, with plans for others to meet in the near future. We joke about buying an island so we could move and live our lives out in peace or as close as possible.

They also got me on of my most treasured gifts.

My Two Hours Holding My Angel and What Came Next

If you read my blog In Gods Hands Part 3 you can get a basic idea of what went on. Now I will tell you what I was feeling. This will be my first time writing this down. Shoot I think this is the first time I will put a lot of what I felt out there, I will also post what I went through from the day they told me she had passed.

In my blog post In Gods Hands Part 2 I talk about that first moment and my thoughts and emotions. What I don't talk about is the months leading to my csection. The first week I refused to think about it to much, I was concentrating on making it to the following Monday so I could get the steroid shots that would give Aaliyah a stronger chance at survival if she had to come early. Once I had both shots, things started to really hit me.

Despite in my heart and my head knowing Natalia would not survive I still hoped. What mother doesn't pray with every fiber of their being that the child they dreamed of, prayed for will make it. If I could have one wish it would be that both my girls survived, even if it meant both girls would have special needs. Don't get me wrong I am happy with my life but she would make it ten times better and no one can tell me differently. 

My hope was broken, part of me felt empty. Her tiny body was still in me and would be for 94 days. Every day I woke knowing while she was in me, her spirit was gone. Little signs kept appearing to let us know she wasn't completely gone. Dragonflies that I had always considered messengers from the "other" side, that I had rarely seen were showing up all the time. Always red ones, including on the drive to the hospital for my csection. My angel was watching over her sister.

At the hospital they said if I wanted they would handle Natalias remains at no cost but that wasn't an option for me. I had to have my baby with me there was no other option. So I signed the papers saying we wanted to handle it. I knew I wanted her cremated, but I couldn't concentrate on that. Not with everything else that was going on. So my mom took care of it. The funeral director was amazing and did everything possible to bring the cost down even than it was almost $700 every penny worth it. I still have yet to get a plaque for it but will be soon.

 

In Gods Hands Part 4

In Gods Hands Part 4

Saturday morning we went down to spend as much time as possible with Aaliyah.  My parents arrived and since I was tired my mom stayed with her, so I could go rest in my room. A little while later my mom said the doctor wanted to see us, so we went down to the NICU and into a room they had, what came next was a life changing moment.

The doctors proceeded to tell us that Aaliyah had two conditions. Lissencephaly and Microcephaly. There was a chance she would not thrive on her own. She may need a permanent feeding tube and breathing tube. She might never see, never talk, never walk. I am sure you get the idea.  If you go to those links it may show you a bit more. It was something that truly knocked us for a loop. We had to take it one day at a time, we still are and will be for a long time. I honestly don't recall much till the next morning it was in Gods hands.

Aaliyah at 3 days old

I woke up that next morning (Sept9th) and up to that moment had decided to not breastfeed. My body had other ideas. The milk was STREAMING out of me. I was soaked! A nurse asked me if I was sure I didn't want to try and pump. See if it would interest me, I said why not. I was producing so much that Aaliyah needed no more formula. I called a friend who came in and calmed me, she works with special needs kids.

I can't recall the first time I went that day but between the pumping and seeing her face I knew we were not giving up without a fight. She made it this far and she wasn't ready to give up.

The NICU staff  at Hartford Hospital was so amazing, supportive of ALL our needs. I could gush all day long about them. They taught us to do everything she needed, temp, all the little cords, feeding tube. Literally everything, they have rooms available for parents to stay in. So we never had to spend a night to far away from her. She was off the oxygen within a day, feeding tube came out but went back in. We were waiting on just one thing for her to be able to handle her feeds all alone. After about two days of taking almost her entire feed they said let's try and take it out to see how she did. She did amazing started upping her feed all on her own. On Sunday the 16th we started watching videos, and preparing to take her home, that night we stayed in a special room in the middle NICU, that Aaliyah is able to stay in the room with us. She was still hooked up to monitors when asleep but it was our own special little world. The nurse helped Rob give her a bath for the first time. At the 6am feed they said they would take her and perform her car seat test. We woke up at 8:30am and freaked why had they not called for us. Out we pop and the news we had been waiting for she could go home she was eating on her own and was up to 4lbs 11oz after dropping down to 4lbs 5oz.  There would tons of follow up appts but after 11 long days she was coming HOME!

Swaddled Baby

Room In

Room In!

NICU Time Line

Day 1
There for monitoring and MRI
Day 2
Nasal cannula and feeding tube go in
Day 3
Nasal cannula out
Day 4
No changes
Day 5
Aaliyah took out the feeding tube and we decided to see how she did with out it. If she did well she would go home in a day or two.
Day 6
Started tiring during feeds.
Day 7
After a few feeds she was tiring out to much and the feeding tube was back in. She would take as much as possible from the bottle and finish the feed with the bottle.
Day 8
No changes
Day 9
She was taking almost the entire bottle every feed since the night before.
Day 10
Feeding tube is taken out to see how she does. That night we roomed in with her.
Day 11
She continued to take her entire feed and wanted more. Rob gave her, her first bath. We roomed in with her.
Day 12
At 6am she passed her car seat test and when we came out we were told she was coming home!

Car Ride Home

 In her bouncer                                                            First time in her bassinet

 

First day home!

In Gods Hands Part 3

In Gods Hands Part 3

The day of my c-section I felt so calm. I knew I would see Aaliyah soon but wasn't sure if I would be able to see Natalia. I told the nurses if she was  there I really wanted to see her. We weren't sure if she would have merged with the placenta or not. We had been pushed back because of an emergency csection that had to take place. They felt bad because it had been over 12hrs since I had eaten but I was not hungry just anxious to get the show on the road.

Finally they take Rob to get prepped and wheel me down. They had NICU on stand by for Aaliyah. We knew she would more than likely go down to be checked out. We had Maroon 5 playing and before I knew it she was letting out a scream to announce her arrival. The nurse took a few pictures of her and she was taken to the NICU. She also took a picture of Natalia tiny little hand and of how much she weighed.

Off we went to recovery and they brought Natalia to us. One of the hardest moments of my life but also one of the most treasured memories I have. We both held her, told her we loved her, kissed her, touched her little hand and most importantly I just laid with her. Eventually I told Rob to go be with Aaliyah, she had to know she wasn't alone. Those two hours I spent with her were the most precious two hours of my life. Don't get me wrong I will have many precious moments with Aaliyah but this is the only time I will have with Natalia in this life. We had a chaplain come and do a naming ceremony, my sweet angel Natalia Elena Elizabeth forever in our hearts. The hospital was so amazing while handling all of this, they gave us some sweet gifts. We decided to handle her tiny little body ourselves and I will make a blog dealing with just this part of our story at a later time.

 So eventually I was taken to my room but had to slowly recover before I could see Aaliyah who was staying down in NICU. Rob and several family members went to see her, let her know she was loved, and most definitely not alone. I was not going to let them take her to her MRI before I saw her, I made it just before they took her. Daddy made sure she wasn't alone.



Once again it was in Gods hands she was staying in NICU.

The last part of in Gods hands will be our NICU journey.

In Gods Hands Part 2

June 4th, 2012 was one of the hardest days of my life. I knew when I walked into that office, when I walked into that room, I just knew my girl was gone, I would never hear her cry, never wipe her tears, never see her first smile, never listen to her laughter, so many things I would never do. I became mom to one of the most precious things in life, my own sweet baby girl angel. My other daughter would have her own special guardian angel. Natalia has now been gone longer than she was here but made the biggest impact on my life possible.

That day I also found out that Aaliyah was showing some problems. Her head was a little small, she had more fluid in her brain than she should. Her dopplers were elevated. I was given choices that just were not for me. I couldn't put her at risk, the only option I saw was give her the best chance possible. No matter how she came. They said in a weeks time if she was still fighting to survive they would give me steroid shots for her lungs. I still had to be prepared they would be seeing me twice a week and at a moments notice they may rush me to a csection, if I made it to 36wks she would be born than. Once again it was in Gods hands.

I had worked up until this point but when all this happened I was put on FMLA. I was going to do whatever it took to keep my daughter safe. I was not going to take any risk. The emotional roller coaster I was on was/is a never ending ride. I had moments when I felt/feel like I can't take any more but I continue to move forward. The more I talk to people that pain will never go away. It will always be there just not as intense. I also in that time formed a bond with other mothers so strong that we all became a family. (More on them in future blog.)

After a few weeks her dopplers were normal, but her head was still small with excess fluid. Over all she was small but that could be genetics. Each day we managed to keep her in was better for her. So when it got to be time for my csection a doctor said they wanted to do an amnio to see how her lungs were. I started to panic, if they were not ready I would have to wait another week. A week was all it took for her sisters heart to stop. When I went in for the amnio my favorite doctor said that he was skipping it because it woudn't change anything. I had my last ultrasound and NST just days before I was going in for my csection.

Part 3 soon to follow...

In Gods Hands Part 1

How often do we hear that, in Gods hands? It is something I try to live by. Yes we have choices but God is always present. Even in those moments when we feel alone. Around this exact time last year I found out people very close to me were expecting. My brother and his fiance, also my aunt/daughter (Blog for another day), I had just come to accept that if I wasn't going to get pregnant I would be okay. I wasn't willing to try other means for my own reasons. It was in Gods hands and I was blessed even if I didn't have kids of my own.

TWINS!!

Secretly I suspected I might be but after two very early losses I refused to get excited, refused to share. Than it got to the point DH and I knew I had to test. Two at home test on Friday saying yes I was. One Saturday morning again saying yes, went took a blood test. Still not believing. On Monday the results and yes I was! Fast forward to February 23rd, one amazing ultrasound tells me it is twins!! Leaving it in Gods hand had left me with an amazing gift! Two babies that were identical!Twins tends to be considered a higher risk, identical twins slightly higher, etc. So I was going to be seeing a lot of doctors in the next few months.




We started to get excited waiting for the ultra sound telling us boys or girls. On May 14th the same day I found out it was girls, I was also told there was starting to be a very big size difference. I was scared and had a bad feeling for Baby A. I was on a journey as a mom to two girls.

May 29th I went in because I had been vomiting a lot from a migraine. From the looks on the us techs face I knew things were not looking good. I tried to get those around me to accept it but everyone kept trying to be positive. In my heart I knew my baby A who by now I felt was my Natalia would not make it, but while afraid I knew Baby B, my little Aaliyah would. Just few days later on June 4th my life changed again. I was told she no longer had a heartbeat. This was the start of my journey as mom to two special girls. An angel princess and an earthbound princess.

Twin A aka Natalia

Girls

Girls

Twin B aka Aaliyah

For now that is part 1, the next part 2 was a change in our journey.