I suddenly remembered when I was asked if I wanted to terminate with Aaliyah. I remember that instant of hell no. Never. I want her here however she turns out. I lost her sister and I didn’t want to lose her too.
Than later I was asked if I would make the same choice knowing her struggles and the problems she was having. Again I said I want her regardless of what struggles we go through. I’d go through it twice if it meant having Natalia here.
Now here we are and she’s gone. I am in so much pain I physically feel it in my heart. Like it’s being crushed and now I ask myself would I make the same choice. The answer is simple. Yes. Yes, I’d make the same choice again and again.
I watched something where a fathers mind was wiped of the painful memory of losing his son. I can understand how that would make sense. No memory. No pain. The problem with that is no memories of the laughter. No memories of the beautiful smile. No memories of the hugs. No memories of the dancing, the singing, put simply no memories of the joy.
So while I’d love to not feel the pain my girl is worth the pain. She is worth every tear. Every crying binge that leads to me losing the entire contents of my stomach. It’s worth listening to the songs that bring me joy and pain all at once. The memory of her smiling, her head cocked to the music listening intently. The sadness that she won’t ever hear it again. Our family traditions that we all enjoyed and are trying to continue even though it pains us to do them without her.
The thing is we’ve been through this it’s just now double. See we lost Natalia and we often talked about if having Natalia here meant having to go through the same with her as Aaliyah we’d do it. Every time Aaliyah laughed, what would Natalia sound like? Would her laugh be as infectious? Every time she smiled would it be as big? Would her hugs feel as warm? Would she love to dance as well? Would she enjoy my singing as well? We only had half the joy.
Knowing her however briefly inside of me was worth the pain of missing her. She is worth every tear. Every crying binge over the last seven years that led to losing the entire contents of my stomach. Would she have been as invested in music the way her twin was? Would there be songs that I could listen to that remind me of her? Instead of her participating in family traditions we had to honor her memory.
So yes my girls are worth it.
I watched something where a fathers mind was wiped of the painful memory of losing his son. I can understand how that would make sense. No memory. No pain. The problem with that is no memories of the laughter. No memories of the beautiful smile. No memories of the hugs. No memories of the dancing, the singing, put simply no memories of the joy.
So while I’d love to not feel the pain my girl is worth the pain. She is worth every tear. Every crying binge that leads to me losing the entire contents of my stomach. It’s worth listening to the songs that bring me joy and pain all at once. The memory of her smiling, her head cocked to the music listening intently. The sadness that she won’t ever hear it again. Our family traditions that we all enjoyed and are trying to continue even though it pains us to do them without her.
The thing is we’ve been through this it’s just now double. See we lost Natalia and we often talked about if having Natalia here meant having to go through the same with her as Aaliyah we’d do it. Every time Aaliyah laughed, what would Natalia sound like? Would her laugh be as infectious? Every time she smiled would it be as big? Would her hugs feel as warm? Would she love to dance as well? Would she enjoy my singing as well? We only had half the joy.
Knowing her however briefly inside of me was worth the pain of missing her. She is worth every tear. Every crying binge over the last seven years that led to losing the entire contents of my stomach. Would she have been as invested in music the way her twin was? Would there be songs that I could listen to that remind me of her? Instead of her participating in family traditions we had to honor her memory.
So yes my girls are worth it.
