Past and Present

Past: R and I had a struggle we weren’t sharing with the world. We couldn’t get pregnant. We had been trying awhile and had come to the conclusion it wasn’t meant to be. We were okay with that. For me I said I was leaving it in God’s hands. For our own reasons we weren’t open to medical help. Little did we know that this day in 2011 the thing we wanted the most was finally going to happen. A tiny seed was going to stick and split into two beautiful girls. 

Present: I have two beautiful girls in my arms and one in my heart. Things didn’t turn out the way I expected I’d like to say I’m okay with that. The thing is I’m not and I’ll never be okay. Like I’ve said before it doesn’t mean I’m not happy or that I don’t love my life. It just means that part me always feels like something, someone is missing. Like my life could be 6x better. Six years of different memories. Six different Christmas days. In a few months  to be six years of a different birth story. 

I am happy. I have A even though she has her struggles she is here and she thrives in her own way. She is understands more than you think. She does things at times that while annoying you can’t help but laugh because she knows she’s giving you a hard time.  I have M and she is a shining light in dark moments. She is loving, generous, gentle and thoughtful. Yes she struggles with her speech but it’s getting better. I have a pretty good marriage. I have a different life than I expected but it’s a good one. 

So I look at my past and I’m grateful because it started us on a path to meeting our three  beautiful daughters. I look at my present and I’m doing okay. 

It started with a pair of leggings

So this is a post about me but like a lot of my life the girls do come in to play. How it took me a couple of YEARS to finally start buying Lularoe. A friend I made through my twin mom group started selling back at the start of it. I thought about buying but it was a nice chunk of change without being able to try it on. So as it got more popular more friends selling and even more friends hosting parties. Yet I still wouldn't buy because I hadn't tried any of it on.

Than a friend asked for my address and I gave it to her. Didn't think twice. People send the girls stuff all the time. Eventually a package arrived and I was from a person I didn't know. Inside was a pair of leggings not just any leggings but what in the Lularoe world are referred to as unicorns. Which basically means it's a much searched for pattern. It was a black background with yellow orangey dragonflies. It turns out this woman had been searching for the same pair but in a smaller side. She to had lost a daughter and dragonflies are something that reminds her of her precious child. My friend told her how I had lost Natalia and that dragonflies had a deep connection to them as well. When someone gifted her the size she was looking for she decided she wanted to pass on the gift to me.

So now here I am trying on these leggings for the first time. Surprise, surprise the buttery softness hooked me. See the price on them didn't bother me. The issues with holes didn't worry me because I knew plenty who hadn't had any issues. So when my friend had a part I bought several pairs. I've entered contest and won several of them. I now own several different pieces. Leggings, skirts, a dress, some sweaters/kimono.


For the first time in a long time I feel pretty. I find myself getting dressed instead of staying in pjs. Anyone who knows me, knows I dress to please me. Not to please anyone else. I love the floral patterns. I love the vibrant colors. I've seen some say how they leave the prints in their tops. Not in their bottoms. See I prefer the reverse since prints on top for me tend to stretch out and not look as pretty. 😂 The thing about clothing for me is you should dress for yourself. You should be happy. Your clothes should speak for you. My clothes say I'm crazy but fun. I'll try and take pictures to add later. That's it for now I do have a blog about the clothing and how it works for Aaliyah.

Dreams

I'd always wanted children. My dream had been to be a wife and mother. The first part was already true, had been for awhile. The second part had come true just a few short weeks before. On this day five years ago a bigger dream came true. You see from a very young age my mother can tell you I had to have two dolls minimum always. Why? I wanted twins.

I dreamed from a young age of having twins. I mean actual dreams of them. Funny thing it was five kids. Two sets of twins and single. I dreamed of having girls the most but I also dreamed my youngest would be a boy. So there we were first ultrasound and of all things twins. Identical to boot. I was told the risk. I was told I'd be watched closely. All I could think about was thank you God, thank you.

Now if you've read my blog you know how this story goes. Even with how things have gone. With the good and the bad.  I think thank you God , thank you.